Experiences

Loveable;

There are times that weakness infiltrates my mind. I become all too aware of my own emotional Kryptonites, and struggle to convince myself that I’m alright. You, darling may not know these things, as I try to keep you separate from my self-doubt. It’s not loving myself that’s hard, because I do, it’s the others loving me that is hard to believe. On one hand, I could list the things I like about myself, but show me a woman who seemingly has everything I wish I had, and I will collapse under the mean things I tell myself. There are some things that I want in life, or wish I had, that haunt me. A conventional family dynamic, a perfect bill of health, a day without the pills that control my body, less complicated mental illnesses, perhaps a body 10 or so pounds lighter than my own?

I don’t understand how someone so lovely, so kind natured, and so adventurous could love someone as flawed, as hurt, and as tired as I. I struggle to keep up with you some days, and on those days I could cry. You deserve someone who doesn’t limit you, someone who lifts you up when you’re falling. I require work, and not easy work either. I’m terrified that there will come a time that I can’t keep up at all anymore. I’m not certain that my mind will be enough for you when those days arrive. I can’t say that we’ll be together forever, as life is so uncertain, but when I drift away in daydreams all I see is you. I hope I marry you, I hope I begin a family with you, and I hope I grow old with you. Above all, I hope that you love me as much as I love you.

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