I consider myself strong and independent. I do admit that over the course of the last two years I have strongly doubted my abilities and my intuition. However, coming out of where I have been, looking back without getting lost in negativity, I can see my accomplishments and failures quite clearly. Now, some of my failures cannot be forgiven, even by myself, for they are far too horrid. I had disappointed myself so much in my past, but I like to think that I am better for it now. I have learned from my mistakes, and I have grown an unimaginable amount as a person.
For the last several weeks I have contemplated my social activities. I spend a considerable amount of time with my partner which I very much enjoy. I have some close friends who appreciate my mannerisms and my niceties. My partner and I run a couple Pathfinder campaigns through the week which are filled with friends who shuffle in from corners of both of our lives. All together, I would say I have quite a lot to be thankful for. These social activities provide me with a sense of purpose, importance, and a sense of being valued as an individual. I often find myself travelling my mind in social events, silently appreciating the warm feelings in my chest. As a lump forms in my throat I think to myself “I am feeling loved. I am with people who genuinely care for me. I belong in this group for I am a member of equal standing.”. When I feel secure in social situations, I am quite myself; I joke, I laugh, and I am happy.
I am a person strongly led by morals. I believe in manners, kindness, and respect. I often find myself greeting those who don’t enjoy my greetings, and I speak kindly to those who have hurt me. I have been told by some to not speak at all; “speak when spoken to”, etc. I will not be silenced. I will continue my niceties, my kindness, my manners. I value myself, my words, and all the kindness I have to offer.
In my recent journey of self discovery I received quite a bit of unwanted advice. At times I received lists and lectures from anyone who desired a change in me during my emotionally vulnerable state. I obliged and followed rules I wish I hadn’t. I cannot say that I regret the rules I was presented with, as they taught me a valuable lesson: Those who look down upon you without reason will always do so. No matter how hard you try to sway them, they will never move.
I have, successfully, lost the need to prove myself to people. I cannot change the opinions of others, and I will no longer try. I will keep my niceties, of course, as well as my kindness and manners, but I will lose my will to impress you. I will no longer ask you questions. I will no longer be your punching bag. I will no longer be your target. I will no longer be the centre of your jokes. I will no longer be silent. I will scream if need be. I will cry if it is necessary. I will make my feelings known so no one else will have to deal with the pain thrust upon my shoulders. I will be kind.